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Submitted on
December 16, 2012
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It's all wrong, all of it.

Because the words that fall out of my mouth and stain the page are sophomoric at best,
And no metaphor can fool you into thinking I'm any better than all the rest.
I try and I push but my feeble mind is clouded by thoughts of you,
And my heavy heart will break if this is the best I can do.

Because it all started as a minuscule hole;
Which, aided by Misery's cruel company, began to implode.
Now, each night, I recognize a cold pain that resides in that dark cavity
That formed when I fooled myself into thinking he could complete me.

When all I ever wanted was to be happy and lovely and perfect-...
I may never be able to find the talent to ressurect.
So make me.
Shape me.
I'm giving you the power to do what you can.

Mold me beautifully, as though I were grey, raw clay.
Write me as an enchanting fairytale and give me all the greatest lines to say.
Because I will never be as great as you mistakenly percieve;
But somehow, I still want you to love me, despite all my inadequacies.
Unimportant info on preview image:
[The photo is old. In all actuality, I was sick and pale so my cheeks and lips looked very red and my hair curled for some reason. Since I could only stay in the house, I was sitting on my bathroom counter when I randomly this picture. And I just now added a vintage effect! Aren't I talented? Yeah, I know, "Not really.".]

Anyways, I think every writer hates their work at some point. I just never like my work. I feel childish in all my writings and I have been under a lot of stress lately with all that goes on in life and love, so I vented poetically-ish. So here's my vent. Yep. Critique, comment or ask if you like.

EDIT: For critique purposes-
This doesn't really have much of a genre other than "emotional", I don't think.

In critiques, I'm looking to better myself. So syntax, grammar sentence flow, anything that bothers you other than my poor rhyme scheme. But if you want, you can critique/offer advice on that, as well.

Don't be afraid to be harsh! I won't get better with sugar-coating.
:iconphillipskid32:
First I'll give some personal advice(which you by no means have to follow). You shouldn't want to be anything other than yourself, even if only one person likes who you are right now, you shouldn't want to be different to fit their desires, but only your own. Now moving on to the poem.
I get the feeling that you are writing two different poems at once when reading this, one a sad lovesick story, and the other a personal criticism of ones self and you weave these two concepts together beautifully.
The first stanza makes me think you want attention from somebody specific, attention that you can reach for, but not obtain.
In the second stanza, I'd just like to point out that you say he in the last line instead of you, when in the rest of the poem your directing it at said specific person.
In the last two stanzas, your throwing all control you have over yourself out the window, and letting yourself become whatever it is that this person wants, but in a way that is lovely and just, so as to say make me the best and the most beautiful person you can imagine, I'm yours to do with as you wish.
In the last line, you say you want the person to love you despite your inadequacies, It's a bit of a contradiction to the previous lines and I get the feeling you don't think they will.


A couple of side notes,
I love how you incorporated metaphor into the poem. "no metaphor can fool you"
The rhyme scheme is a bit shaky at times, and I feel no need for one at all, though it certainly doesn't hurt.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconicepaw99:
This is pretty good :) It's well laid out, and flows quite well. I can't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.

My favourite thing about this poem is the descriptions you've used, especially the first line, 'Because the words that fall out of my mouth and stain the page are sophomoric at best'. The imagery is unique- I don't think I've seen this image used before- and I really like it. It sets off the poem very atmospherically. I also love the idea of the character's personality being shaped by who they love, and the way this runs through the whole poem- 'formed', 'shape me' and 'mold me'.

I don't think the rhyme scheme is necessary. The first stanza rhymes, whereas in the third stanza, there is no rhyme at all, and I prefer it like that. The emotions in the poem are quite complicated and contrasting, and I think that this is made clearer by having no rhythm. Having a rhyme in the first verse changes the flow, I think.

All in all, this is really good, and the imagery and description really caught me up in the poem. Well done :D
What do you think?
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